This is the most depressed Iâ€™ve ever been. I can barely move, Iâ€™ve been so affected by this. I havenâ€™t written anything candidly for a while. Sure, Danica and I are doing fine, but the rest of my world is falling apart. I failed my last shot at being in the Ph.D. program at Kent State. Iâ€™m appealing, but I doubt Iâ€™ll get this overturned. Most people know that my dad needed a triple bypass. Heâ€™s fine now, but fuck if it wasnâ€™t trying.
As it is right now, Iâ€™ve got funding for this semester. Itâ€™s done in December, though. To quote Jim Lahey from the Trailer Park Boys, thereâ€™s a shit storm brewing. If I get my M.A. at KSU, Iâ€™ll have to start back a few steps from where I ended KSU at. This is to say nothing about the monetary situation in the next few months. A number of people near and dear in my life need some cash, and Iâ€™ve felt that Iâ€™ve left them down.
Iâ€™ve been so depressed lately that I slept 10-12 hours a night and still feel exhausted. I feel and look like a hippo. Iâ€™ve randomly started on crying jags every few days too, as well as having heart burn all night, practically all night. Iâ€™m a fucking mess. I hate worrying about the future. I want to get my Ph.D., get tenure, and be able to help out my family, present and future.
There are a few positives left in my life. Danicaâ€™s still with me as Iâ€™ve said, and will hopefully move in in May. Where, I donâ€™t know, but she is around. My dad has taken a position as the body shop manager, and my mom is sticking with the state of Ohio in their taxation department. I might be getting on with a firm to do web design, but that wonâ€™t be more than a monthâ€™s salary. Iâ€™ve got bills paid up a month ahead, but days tick by endlessly. Iâ€™m worried. I need a haircut. I need to win the lottery, I need to lose weight, I need a fucking break, I need rest.
– Iâ€™m done
Postscript: Look for a second part of this piece. I wrote this at a particularly dark part of my life, and things have gotten considerably better in the meantime. Iâ€™m not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination yet, but essentially, the appeal went through, I got the web design position, my dadâ€™s still rocking, my momâ€™s still working, and Danica and I are still going well. Check back in a week or so for part two.