This is the most depressed I’ve ever been. I can barely move, I’ve been so affected by this. I haven’t written anything candidly for a while. Sure, Danica and I are doing fine, but the rest of my world is falling apart. I failed my last shot at being in the Ph.D. program at Kent State. I’m appealing, but I doubt I’ll get this overturned. Most people know that my dad needed a triple bypass. He’s fine now, but fuck if it wasn’t trying.
As it is right now, I’ve got funding for this semester. It’s done in December, though. To quote Jim Lahey from the Trailer Park Boys, there’s a shit storm brewing. If I get my M.A. at KSU, I’ll have to start back a few steps from where I ended KSU at. This is to say nothing about the monetary situation in the next few months. A number of people near and dear in my life need some cash, and I’ve felt that I’ve left them down.
I’ve been so depressed lately that I slept 10-12 hours a night and still feel exhausted. I feel and look like a hippo. I’ve randomly started on crying jags every few days too, as well as having heart burn all night, practically all night. I’m a fucking mess. I hate worrying about the future. I want to get my Ph.D., get tenure, and be able to help out my family, present and future.
There are a few positives left in my life. Danica’s still with me as I’ve said, and will hopefully move in in May. Where, I don’t know, but she is around. My dad has taken a position as the body shop manager, and my mom is sticking with the state of Ohio in their taxation department. I might be getting on with a firm to do web design, but that won’t be more than a month’s salary. I’ve got bills paid up a month ahead, but days tick by endlessly. I’m worried. I need a haircut. I need to win the lottery, I need to lose weight, I need a fucking break, I need rest.
– I’m done
James NeuFutur
Postscript: Look for a second part of this piece. I wrote this at a particularly dark part of my life, and things have gotten considerably better in the meantime. I’m not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination yet, but essentially, the appeal went through, I got the web design position, my dad’s still rocking, my mom’s still working, and Danica and I are still going well. Check back in a week or so for part two.